When most parents set their standards and expectations for parenting, they take into account their recollections of their own youth. As a first step toward understanding your own approach to parenting, and to use that information in a positive way, examine it through the prism of your own childhood. To begin, answer the following questions:

1. What do you remember about the family you grew up in, particularly your relationships with your mother and father? What do you appreciate most about their way of raising you?
2. What did you most enjoy doing with each of your parents? The answer to this question might give you a clue to the activities your own child might enjoy doing with you.
3. What were the greatest difficulties you had with your parents? This information might help you avoid problem areas with your own youngster, while understanding why you respond to certain parental situations the way you do. For instance, if you felt your parents were too strict, you might become too permissive with your own child; or if you believe your mother and father were too withdrawn and quiet, you might insist upon talking with your child a lot.
4. What do you feel were their greatest shortcomings as parents? If your own father became abusive when he got angry, for example, you might feel anxious whenever tempers flare in your own household, and you might try to avoid angry confrontations.

Your Family Experience

Even though you may consciously try to avoid the actions of your parents that you thought were wrong, do not be surprised or upset if you find not only your parents' words but also their tone of voice coming out of your mouth. Pay attention to this experience and remember that children learn from what they see and hear.

You can also learn a lot from childhood relationships with your brothers and sisters. Ask yourself questions like: What were the best aspects of your relationship with your siblings? What did you enjoy doing most with them? What problems and conflicts did you have with them? How do you feel your parents handled these conflicts?

If you were an only child, you might have difficulty adjusting to the way your own youngsters relate to one another; you may find their fighting quite disturbing, although if you had grown up with siblings, you would understand better that sibling bickering is quite normal. Or if you were the oldest (or the youngest) child in your family, you might unconsciously identify more with your own oldest (or youngest) child.

Using your Childhood Memories

Think about the significant events that took place in your childhood. What do you remember about moves to a new city? Starting school? Illnesses or injuries? Losses (the death of a pet, a friend moving away, a stolen bicycle)? These childhood memories can affect how you relate to your own youngsters today. If you had a tough time moving to a new neighborhood when you were young, you might find it hard to put your own child through the same experience. If the first day at a new school was always difficult for you, you might feel especially anxious when your child changes schools.

Also, examine your own memories of teachers and classmates, your academic performance, what you liked and disliked about school and important school events (tests, oral reports, class trips, science fairs). Think back upon your childhood friendships, too: best friends, adversaries, activities with other children and how you adjusted to changes in friendships.

As you reflect upon these childhood experiences, you might recognize how they have influenced your responses to your own child's interactions with others - and not always in a positive way. For instance, your youngster may prefer coming home after school, playing a musical instrument, doing homework and not spending much time in social activities. However, if you yearned to be more popular when you were young, you might push your son to participate more in sports, 4-H, or Scouting activities, although he might have no interest in them. These are issues you need to become more sensitive to.

As part of this self-examination, talk with your youngster about your own childhood recollections. He will love to hear stories about what life was like for you when you were his age. It will give him a sense of history and belonging. It will also help him through difficult times once he finds out that you, too, might not have been invited to a party you really wanted to go to, or that, like him, you had fears about giving an oral report in front of the class.

Your Personality Traits

You cannot change your personality. But by understanding your personal characteristics, you will get a better sense of how you approach others (including the members of your family) and what your strengths and weaknesses as a parent might be.

Take a few minutes to list your personality traits. Are you shy or outgoing? Are you intellectual or intuitive? Open-minded or opinionated? Self-accepting or self-critical? Self-assured or insecure? Moody and temperamental or stable and even-keeled? Disorganized or obsessive-compulsive? Rarely is anyone always one way or another, but we all have tendencies we should recognize as we approach childrearing.

Although children are born with uniquely individual temperaments, certain personality traits develop through life experiences. For example, if your child has a tendency to be verbally expressive of his feelings, or if he is an affectionate child, he probably acquired these characteristics growing up in the family environment. Or if you or your spouse complains a lot, he may tend to whine. Generally, children identify more with one parent than the other and unconsciously assume more of that parent's traits.

If your own personality characteristics fit with or match those of your child, you may find living with him much easier than if your personalities conflict. Also, the more accepting you are of your own traits, the more you can relax and be a better spouse and parent.

Keep in mind, however, that certain personal characteristics can have a negative impact on the family - for example, judgmental people tend to be critical of themselves as well as of others, which can interfere with the way they relate to their children; the offspring of judgmental parents often grow up feeling inferior or rejected. At the other extreme, however, some parents may accept anything their child does, even if he has adopted bad habits or negative values. You need to find a balance between these two extremes and communicate and try to model those personal traits you value.

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