The past ( ages 1 -10 )


My father begun with saying " this is not my son "
I wondered why he want Me done I just waned to live my life and try to have fun
But a new day is coming I feel the warmth of the sun this game isnt over it just begun
As I hold the knife next to my throat I wonder while I was a baby I was never fed
now I changed I am eating instead but dont count out the goods I never said
I didnt have any the video games the bike rides and all the fun stuff I did
never to be over looked the 90s were the time to be alive
I am happy to be apart of it just happy to live life
never looked to the drugs or the feelings I fought
just looking for a hug to know this is all I got
I look at the blank walls the bed on the floor ..
the old clothes in the desk door not able to get anything at the store
I wanted to be an adult so bad I knew that I could buy anything on the store floor
I went home to see I was not alone looking in to my sisters eyes
the signs she wanted to die was always held inside but I saw now matter how hard she tried to hide
I looked in her eyes trying to see deeper inside I wanted to know what drove her to be so wild
I always thought the beatings I took were the worse and hers were just mild
the beatings picked up again I soon saw everything and faced some fears while shedding tears
I knew that I had to do it the fire was lighted inside the fight started back no more fears
I didnt have any tears left to shed I know I was fed up I was about to give up
so I knew I was at a point shut up or put up I put my life on the line lots of time
I felt no one will survive if it wasnt for me not knowing my sister would make it fine



The past ( ages 10 - 15 )

I found the love in rap music the thugs and drugs the slugs caught my attention
became wild went to school just to get suspensions I was headed in the wrong direction
I know that in this life I was the one left to make my own selection
but I was too proud to admit that I was the one who needed the protection
but it my lack of knowing what to do that keep pushing me through
Now I know how I survived holding all my feelings inside
making up lies to protect everyone but now the truth they all died
I miss them all through the abuse I took I still love them inside
I promised them the saying " ride or die " so they will always be a part of me
the truth lays deep in the under layer of the sea
They tried to break me and shake me pick my body apart and rape me
of everything i held dear ... and they succeed
it was true friends I needed a should to cry on was needed
I was broken and pulled apart I was defeated and cheated
the thrones poking out of the chair where I was supposed to be seated
the secrets I kept they were what I needed to keep my soul alive
I was still alive the heart beat begun again deep inside
I just asked to many questions wondering why I had this feeling
now I am staring in the mirror cringing knowing that my life was a fling
I was meant not to mean a thing but look at what I became


The Present ( 15-20 )

Just when things started to clam down and life was okay
I knew it was only for a little while so I sat back and pretend to smile
looking in that mirror blank inside not knowing what to feel it has been awhile
amazed as to how quick that child became a man my life is in my mind on file
never left my own road never lived it in you style
look at the girl laying next to me I thought girls we honest
who knew the other guys were right they knew best
I was just another guy to them just like the rest
so while I sat back started protesting
my life I tried suicide 11 times not my best thing
I just saw life as a police sting
nothing more then a set up but still I sang my song
not knowing before long it would all be over
the beating stops I was happy but it was a cover
my mom was in the hospital fighting for her life
I thought every night what if she was right
that I should go to sleep never see another day light
maybe it was that I was too hard headed to know when to quit the fight
maybe i was the one lacking the in sight to know wrong from right
but then she made a recovery like no other that phone call rings
in my mind like a tape player stuck and playing the same song time after time
I remember each line ... " I am going home today they said I am okay "
happiness in her voice made me happy everyday and to know she was okay was more then anything I could say
but it only lasted one day ... it was a shame nothing would be the same I wished there was some way
I could go back and hug her one last time but I hope she knows when I shine she shines till this day
I wonder why she was put in that nursing home ... why there was nothing I could say why I must feel this way
why I must suffer everyday why people act like it was nothing and everything is ok I fear that my final day
is coming to and I have no clue what to do I did everything I could to make her proud and now what do I do
she came through on one last note she used to " you know your my favorite " and when she was about to die the 1st time
I felt like that line was the line I would remember the line to shine in my heart that made it beat
but it is the line " Im okay Im going home today " that shines too many emotions to speak
the thought of her death still makes me weak I felt life was meaningless and bleak
look to my girl she knew just what to do kiss on the cheek she is there each and ever week
holds me up strong making sure I dont fall all along knowing only emotions can speak
now it is a purpose I seek I am back in school no longer being a fool
not worrying about impressing you or trying to be cool
I am going to make some people happy that matter so mom jen this is for you
I try to do the best I can do and I know thats all you asked me to do
but I promise no matter what I will make it through one step at a time

like i told u on RP. this shit was maddd deep.. keep it up

__________________